I have been fighting this depression that is doing it's best to take over my life. I wake up in the morning and do not want to get out of bed because my life feels so pointless. If I didn't have to go to work, I would lay in bed all day.
At the end of the day, I reflect on everything that I have been through and everything that has happened that day. I end up crying myself to sleep.
I am so lost and broken. I try to fight off this heartache and pain but I can't. I know that I cannot give up and I cannot be defeated so I keep holding on.
I wake up every morning and read my Bible hoping, just hoping that today will be different than yesterday. I want to have that true joy again that God has placed in my life but I can't seem to find it.
Even as I write this blog, I sit here crying because I know that no one will ever read this except for me. I know that no one will ever know the pain that is hiding behind this fake smile. I know that no one cares and no one can help...
I am so beyond hurt right now and everything people do just seems to dig deeper into my pain. I wonder if people knew what I was going through, would they be more careful around me? Would they try to help? Or would they just keep living they way they are living?
Christians are some of the more selfish people I have ever met. I say that because honestly it's true. What do they care what you are going through? What do they care about the pain hidden behind your fake smile? I am only able to say this because I am a Christian and I am not like the rest. I search out the hurting. I want people to find the hope that they once had but have now lost. I don't want to be one of those selfish Christians. I dare to be different.
It is so different being on the outside looking in. Would they notice if I left? Would they say something? Would they care? I am really to the point that I want to change churches. Going to church just causes more pain.
Please God, help me! I really need help through all of this... I do not know what to do or where to do. Please show me the way. Please make me different than all the other Christian's out there. Please let me see others through your eyes.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Thanks from the bottom of my heart
Think for a moment. Look around you. Notice the people who care for you. See the ones who do what you need them to without being asked.
If you lost a person who loved you, what would you do? Or even if you lost a person you loved, what would you do? Where would you turn? Would you disappear for a while hoping everything will vanish? Would you cry for days? Would you fake a smile? Would you tear yourself up because the last thing you said was hateful? Would you make a list of all the things you wish you would have said but never did?
Now look around you. See the ones you love, and wonder what you would do if they were gone. Take a moment to tell everyone you care about, how much you care. You may not have another chance.
Look around you. Do you see your mom and dad? Maybe a sister or brother? Or even a friend? What do you say to them?
Lately I've been thinking about my friends and how much they mean to me. I can count on my friends for anything. They've always been there for me and they will always be there for me. Friends are a HUGE part of my life. I rely on my friends for so much.
Thanks you guys so much for all that you've done for me! Thank you for being there to help me through the tough times. Thank you for laughing with me during the fun times in life. You are my family. If I ever lose you, you would take a part of me with you. You are my shoulder to cry on and my reason to live. Thank you so much for everything! I love you so much and I treasure every minute I spend with you ;-)
If you lost a person who loved you, what would you do? Or even if you lost a person you loved, what would you do? Where would you turn? Would you disappear for a while hoping everything will vanish? Would you cry for days? Would you fake a smile? Would you tear yourself up because the last thing you said was hateful? Would you make a list of all the things you wish you would have said but never did?
Now look around you. See the ones you love, and wonder what you would do if they were gone. Take a moment to tell everyone you care about, how much you care. You may not have another chance.
Look around you. Do you see your mom and dad? Maybe a sister or brother? Or even a friend? What do you say to them?
Lately I've been thinking about my friends and how much they mean to me. I can count on my friends for anything. They've always been there for me and they will always be there for me. Friends are a HUGE part of my life. I rely on my friends for so much.
Thanks you guys so much for all that you've done for me! Thank you for being there to help me through the tough times. Thank you for laughing with me during the fun times in life. You are my family. If I ever lose you, you would take a part of me with you. You are my shoulder to cry on and my reason to live. Thank you so much for everything! I love you so much and I treasure every minute I spend with you ;-)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Everyone has a story...
•See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? ... He couldn't do it last night because he was too busy talking his best friend out of suicide.
•See that girl, with her face caked in make up? ... She's bullied, she needs to feel beautiful.
•She him, the one who wears long sleeves everyday? ... He covers his arms to hide the scars.
•See her, with the cheap, hand-me-down clothes? ... Her family can't afford food for half the month, let alone get brand names.
•See the girl who laughs and smiles at every little thing? ... She cries herself to sleep every night.
•wonder why she never lets her friends over her house? ... Because she's afraid they'll see her dad passed out drunk on the floor, as always.
•See how that girl cringes as rape jokes? ... She was raped.
•See the boy who everyone goes to for advice? ... He wishes someone would do the same for him.
•See the girl who never brings a lunch? ... She's disgusted by her body.
•See her, with the little waist? ... She goes to the bathroom and forces herself to throw up so that she can keep her waist that way.
•See the boy over there, see the dark circles under his eyes? ... He has insomnia, he fears what he'll see in his dreams.
•See that girl daydreaming over there? ... She has schizophrenia.
•See the boy biting his nails? ... He has cancer and he's wondering how much time he has left.
•See your best friend? ... She's addicted to drugs, but she can't tell you because you wont understand.
•See that boy reading all about 9/11? ... His parents died on that day.
•See her, with her phone on her at all times? ... She's waiting for a call saying her sister was found after a kidnapping 4 years ago.
Don't judge.
You don't know what could be going on in someone's life.♥
•See that girl, with her face caked in make up? ... She's bullied, she needs to feel beautiful.
•She him, the one who wears long sleeves everyday? ... He covers his arms to hide the scars.
•See her, with the cheap, hand-me-down clothes? ... Her family can't afford food for half the month, let alone get brand names.
•See the girl who laughs and smiles at every little thing? ... She cries herself to sleep every night.
•wonder why she never lets her friends over her house? ... Because she's afraid they'll see her dad passed out drunk on the floor, as always.
•See how that girl cringes as rape jokes? ... She was raped.
•See the boy who everyone goes to for advice? ... He wishes someone would do the same for him.
•See the girl who never brings a lunch? ... She's disgusted by her body.
•See her, with the little waist? ... She goes to the bathroom and forces herself to throw up so that she can keep her waist that way.
•See the boy over there, see the dark circles under his eyes? ... He has insomnia, he fears what he'll see in his dreams.
•See that girl daydreaming over there? ... She has schizophrenia.
•See the boy biting his nails? ... He has cancer and he's wondering how much time he has left.
•See your best friend? ... She's addicted to drugs, but she can't tell you because you wont understand.
•See that boy reading all about 9/11? ... His parents died on that day.
•See her, with her phone on her at all times? ... She's waiting for a call saying her sister was found after a kidnapping 4 years ago.
Don't judge.
You don't know what could be going on in someone's life.♥
Thursday, March 3, 2011
What is love?
I have been thinking about love. What is love? No, I’m not talking about the song by Haddaway. I have several friends whose hearts have been broken because the person whom they “loved” broke up with them. I wonder if they really loved them or if they are just obsessed/infatuated with that person? So what is the difference between love and infatuation?
Love vs. Infatuation
•Love is back up by commitment and faithfulness, while infatuation is short-lived and fleeting.
•Love can and will work through all kinds of problems; infatuation throws in the towel.
•Love is grounded in reality. You know the person isn’t perfect, but you love him or her anyway. Infatuation is more like a fantasy; it overlooks all faults and puts its object on a pedestal.
•Love can let go; infatuation clings.
•Love builds up; infatuation sucks life away.
True Love
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
To my friends
You know who you are and I am not saying you didn’t really love that person because I was not involved in your relationship. You can choose to completely disagree with everything I have said in this note and that is fine with me. I just want you to know that I love you and care about you deeply. I hate to see you hurting and I wish I could take away your pain. I have been hurt, so I know where you are coming from; just know that you can talk to me anytime. I will always be here and I will always love you!
When I say 'I love you', it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.
Love vs. Infatuation
•Love is back up by commitment and faithfulness, while infatuation is short-lived and fleeting.
•Love can and will work through all kinds of problems; infatuation throws in the towel.
•Love is grounded in reality. You know the person isn’t perfect, but you love him or her anyway. Infatuation is more like a fantasy; it overlooks all faults and puts its object on a pedestal.
•Love can let go; infatuation clings.
•Love builds up; infatuation sucks life away.
True Love
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
To my friends
You know who you are and I am not saying you didn’t really love that person because I was not involved in your relationship. You can choose to completely disagree with everything I have said in this note and that is fine with me. I just want you to know that I love you and care about you deeply. I hate to see you hurting and I wish I could take away your pain. I have been hurt, so I know where you are coming from; just know that you can talk to me anytime. I will always be here and I will always love you!
When I say 'I love you', it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.
Gossip! Does more harm than you realize.
I just love how people gossip, don't you? I like how one person can get a bunch of other people to not like you anymore just because of the gossip they spread. I was once told not to make assumptions. Do not assume because it makes “u” and “me” look bad.
If someone tells you a story about another person, do you believe them or do you go to the other person to find out if the story is true? If you choose to just keep spreading the story, you are not any better than the person who told you the story in the first place.
The Hebrew word for “gossip” means to murmur, which can be summed up with one word, “indistinct.” When we gossip, we paint a picture of someone that is very unclear. We usually hand that picture to someone else (in the form of gossip) who generally does little to clear it up. In fact, more often than not, the person you talk to will add a smudge or two to the picture before handing it off to someone else, and so on. The image painted of the person is quite often very distinguishable from the original, yet people believe it to be true, never once questioning how hazy it has become. This brings up a very important point about communication, which is: If you hear something about someone that you are not certain is true, always be mature enough to go to the person in question and ask him or her to directly clarify the issue at hand.
There's an old saying that goes: "Simple people talk about other people. Average people talk about things. Wise people talk about ideas."
Which one of these do you want to be? Do you want to be the simple person who gossips? Who would, seriously?
When someone tells you something about another person, find out if it is true! Do not just continue spreading rumors and being a gossiper.
Do NOT say things you do not know to be true. Only tell the facts. Actually, it is better to not talk about other people at all. If you are not willing to say something to a person’s face, then do not bother telling anyone.
James 4:11—“Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.”
In this verse the word brother does mean earthly brother, but it means a relationship between any two Christians. As Christians we should not say things that will cause others to be hurt. When someone says something that will hurt another they are disobeying the great law in Matthew 22:39 "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
As James 4:11 says, when you gossip about somebody you judge them. There is only one judge and that is God. God is the only one with the authority to make the law. If you gossip about somebody and are judging them, you are basically putting yourself on the same level of God. Someone who judges also disobeys God's law and makes their own. Now not only have you hurt one of your fellow Christians but you're treading on some very dangerous grounds when you think you're better than or equal to God.
I Peter 3:10—“For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.”
We should not be tearing each other down. We should be building each other up.
Romans 12:5—“So in Christ we who are many form one [unified] body, and each member belongs to all the others.”
Ephesians 4:29—“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
When someone tells you a secret, it is not for you to go and tell the whole world. The person has told you the secret for a reason. They do not WANT everyone to know.
Proverbs 11:13—“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.”
Be filled with grace, both toward the person you hear gossiping and the person being spoken about. It pays to give people the benefit of the doubt. Remember that we are to be peacemakers and to work toward forgiveness and reconciliation. In such a process there is no room for something as ugly as gossip. When you hear someone gossiping, you can interrupt it with a simple request that they stop, and encourage them to go to the person in question and clarify if what they heard is true. Remember, we are called to be a unified body that shines forth the light of Christ, and gossip only dims that light.
Gossip Poem
(Author unknown)
My name is Gossip.
I am a direct descendant of the father of lies.
I have no respect for justice.
I maim without killing.
I break hearts and ruin lives.
I am cunning and malicious and I gather strength with age.
The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.
My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.
To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become.
I am nobody’s friend.
Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.
I topple governments and wreck marriages.
I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches, and indigestion.
I make innocent people cry in their pillows.
I make headlines and headaches.
Even my name hisses. I am called Gossip.
Before you repeat a story, ask yourself:
Is it true?
Is it harmless?
Is it necessary?
If it isn’t, why repeat it?
If someone tells you a story about another person, do you believe them or do you go to the other person to find out if the story is true? If you choose to just keep spreading the story, you are not any better than the person who told you the story in the first place.
The Hebrew word for “gossip” means to murmur, which can be summed up with one word, “indistinct.” When we gossip, we paint a picture of someone that is very unclear. We usually hand that picture to someone else (in the form of gossip) who generally does little to clear it up. In fact, more often than not, the person you talk to will add a smudge or two to the picture before handing it off to someone else, and so on. The image painted of the person is quite often very distinguishable from the original, yet people believe it to be true, never once questioning how hazy it has become. This brings up a very important point about communication, which is: If you hear something about someone that you are not certain is true, always be mature enough to go to the person in question and ask him or her to directly clarify the issue at hand.
There's an old saying that goes: "Simple people talk about other people. Average people talk about things. Wise people talk about ideas."
Which one of these do you want to be? Do you want to be the simple person who gossips? Who would, seriously?
When someone tells you something about another person, find out if it is true! Do not just continue spreading rumors and being a gossiper.
Do NOT say things you do not know to be true. Only tell the facts. Actually, it is better to not talk about other people at all. If you are not willing to say something to a person’s face, then do not bother telling anyone.
James 4:11—“Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.”
In this verse the word brother does mean earthly brother, but it means a relationship between any two Christians. As Christians we should not say things that will cause others to be hurt. When someone says something that will hurt another they are disobeying the great law in Matthew 22:39 "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
As James 4:11 says, when you gossip about somebody you judge them. There is only one judge and that is God. God is the only one with the authority to make the law. If you gossip about somebody and are judging them, you are basically putting yourself on the same level of God. Someone who judges also disobeys God's law and makes their own. Now not only have you hurt one of your fellow Christians but you're treading on some very dangerous grounds when you think you're better than or equal to God.
I Peter 3:10—“For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.”
We should not be tearing each other down. We should be building each other up.
Romans 12:5—“So in Christ we who are many form one [unified] body, and each member belongs to all the others.”
Ephesians 4:29—“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
When someone tells you a secret, it is not for you to go and tell the whole world. The person has told you the secret for a reason. They do not WANT everyone to know.
Proverbs 11:13—“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.”
Be filled with grace, both toward the person you hear gossiping and the person being spoken about. It pays to give people the benefit of the doubt. Remember that we are to be peacemakers and to work toward forgiveness and reconciliation. In such a process there is no room for something as ugly as gossip. When you hear someone gossiping, you can interrupt it with a simple request that they stop, and encourage them to go to the person in question and clarify if what they heard is true. Remember, we are called to be a unified body that shines forth the light of Christ, and gossip only dims that light.
Gossip Poem
(Author unknown)
My name is Gossip.
I am a direct descendant of the father of lies.
I have no respect for justice.
I maim without killing.
I break hearts and ruin lives.
I am cunning and malicious and I gather strength with age.
The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.
My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.
To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become.
I am nobody’s friend.
Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.
I topple governments and wreck marriages.
I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches, and indigestion.
I make innocent people cry in their pillows.
I make headlines and headaches.
Even my name hisses. I am called Gossip.
Before you repeat a story, ask yourself:
Is it true?
Is it harmless?
Is it necessary?
If it isn’t, why repeat it?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Faith, Hope, and Love
I wake up every morning just thinking about how truly amazing my best friend is 
He knows everything about me, YET He still loves me! How could He love me? How could He care for me, a person who has made too many mistakes to count? I love my best friend more than anything! I know He is always there for me! He promised that He will never leave me. I may feel lonely but I am NEVER alone! I am very grateful for that promise. I know that I can count on Him any time of day not like earthly friends who don't want you calling when they are asleep, unless it's an emergency. God doesn't mind getting a call at 3am. He doesn't mind me staying up with Him all night! He doesn't mind me pouring out my heart to Him and just talking to Him nonstop. He will never tell me to stop talking though He may tell me to be quiet so that He can give me some insight. He always gives good advice. I know I can count on Him to help me out. God is truly amazing
I know that people change. I know that I will face hardships. I know that I will ALWAYS make it through everything. All I have to do is hold on to the One who Loves me! He will help me every step of the way. I can trust Him to make the right decisions for me. I am facing some difficulties right now but I have TRUE PEACE because I have given my burdens to God. I don't know if anyone has ever experienced true peace but I know I have. There are times when I feel like the world crashing down on me but I give my burden to God and the true peace I have from God lets me know that everything WILL be OK. There are times when I feel overwhelmed by school, work, and other things but I give my burden to God and I just feel free! I trust God with all of my heart.
Right now I am watching the people around me change. I feel like everyone is changing and I am being left behind. I know that change is inevitable. We all face change as our lives go on; whether change is just maturing or learning from mistakes. Yes, I know I have changed too! Over the past year I have learned many life lessons. I have learned who I want to spend time with and who doesn't even deserve to see my face. I have learned that you really truly become like the people around you. I have watched one of my really good friends become corrupted by a person who loves worldly possessions. I love my friend and I always will. I hate to lose friends but I know that maybe God has a different plan. He turns what is meant for evil into good. Don't be afraid to say goodbye. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever do, but it's the first step to moving on. Greater things have yet to come!
Honestly, I don't understand how someone could love the world! This world is temporary. Why love what is in front of you? Why not love someone that cannot be seen but created you? Someone who some people don't believe exists. Someone that some people look down on you for believing in. Someone who can give you everything you need. It takes faith to believe in God but it also takes faith to believe what is written in History books. Which one requires more faith? Just look around you. Look at all of God's amazing creations. Is that not proof enough that He exists? Why do you believe what is written in History Books? Do you believe it because your teacher says to or do you believe it because you've seen proof? What if all the stuff in History Books is just made up? Who would know the difference expect for the people who were there but are now dead, right?
I honestly do NOT care what people think about me. I know that most females now-a-days struggle with low self-esteem. I do not have that problem. HAHA! I am not conceited but I can not be put down. Negative things people say just bounce off of me. I dare to be different. I don't want to be like anyone else. I want to stand out from the crowd. When everyone is wearing black, I am wearing lime green. I dance to the beat of my own drum.
I live to shock people. I love sports! Most guys don't talk to me about sports because I am a girl but then I shock them with all my knowledge about sports. I make them feel dumb! Never underestimate me! When I am told I can't do something, trust me, I WILL prove you wrong. No, I don't always get what I want but I am OK with that. I know that there is always something better for me out there!
Just take note: You can't break my heart; the only way you could break it is if I give it to you in the first place. I am careful of who I say "I love you" to. I don't say it to just anyone. I know that people walk out on you so I don't want to tell someone that I love them and then watch them walk away with my heart in their hands. So hearing "I love you" from me really truly means a lot! Remember that
Be yourself and don't let others put you down. You are loved no matter who you are. Show someone the love you feel. There is someone you spend time with who needs to know and experience love. Be the one who shows them love. Make a difference. Be who you want to be but most importantly, be a blessing for God. You are an amazing person and there is nothing you can do about it. Go! Now! The time has come to stand out from the crowd... Be the change you want to see in the world.
He knows everything about me, YET He still loves me! How could He love me? How could He care for me, a person who has made too many mistakes to count? I love my best friend more than anything! I know He is always there for me! He promised that He will never leave me. I may feel lonely but I am NEVER alone! I am very grateful for that promise. I know that I can count on Him any time of day not like earthly friends who don't want you calling when they are asleep, unless it's an emergency. God doesn't mind getting a call at 3am. He doesn't mind me staying up with Him all night! He doesn't mind me pouring out my heart to Him and just talking to Him nonstop. He will never tell me to stop talking though He may tell me to be quiet so that He can give me some insight. He always gives good advice. I know I can count on Him to help me out. God is truly amazing I know that people change. I know that I will face hardships. I know that I will ALWAYS make it through everything. All I have to do is hold on to the One who Loves me! He will help me every step of the way. I can trust Him to make the right decisions for me. I am facing some difficulties right now but I have TRUE PEACE because I have given my burdens to God. I don't know if anyone has ever experienced true peace but I know I have. There are times when I feel like the world crashing down on me but I give my burden to God and the true peace I have from God lets me know that everything WILL be OK. There are times when I feel overwhelmed by school, work, and other things but I give my burden to God and I just feel free! I trust God with all of my heart.
Right now I am watching the people around me change. I feel like everyone is changing and I am being left behind. I know that change is inevitable. We all face change as our lives go on; whether change is just maturing or learning from mistakes. Yes, I know I have changed too! Over the past year I have learned many life lessons. I have learned who I want to spend time with and who doesn't even deserve to see my face. I have learned that you really truly become like the people around you. I have watched one of my really good friends become corrupted by a person who loves worldly possessions. I love my friend and I always will. I hate to lose friends but I know that maybe God has a different plan. He turns what is meant for evil into good. Don't be afraid to say goodbye. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever do, but it's the first step to moving on. Greater things have yet to come!
Honestly, I don't understand how someone could love the world! This world is temporary. Why love what is in front of you? Why not love someone that cannot be seen but created you? Someone who some people don't believe exists. Someone that some people look down on you for believing in. Someone who can give you everything you need. It takes faith to believe in God but it also takes faith to believe what is written in History books. Which one requires more faith? Just look around you. Look at all of God's amazing creations. Is that not proof enough that He exists? Why do you believe what is written in History Books? Do you believe it because your teacher says to or do you believe it because you've seen proof? What if all the stuff in History Books is just made up? Who would know the difference expect for the people who were there but are now dead, right?
I honestly do NOT care what people think about me. I know that most females now-a-days struggle with low self-esteem. I do not have that problem. HAHA! I am not conceited but I can not be put down. Negative things people say just bounce off of me. I dare to be different. I don't want to be like anyone else. I want to stand out from the crowd. When everyone is wearing black, I am wearing lime green. I dance to the beat of my own drum.
I live to shock people. I love sports! Most guys don't talk to me about sports because I am a girl but then I shock them with all my knowledge about sports. I make them feel dumb! Never underestimate me! When I am told I can't do something, trust me, I WILL prove you wrong. No, I don't always get what I want but I am OK with that. I know that there is always something better for me out there!
Just take note: You can't break my heart; the only way you could break it is if I give it to you in the first place. I am careful of who I say "I love you" to. I don't say it to just anyone. I know that people walk out on you so I don't want to tell someone that I love them and then watch them walk away with my heart in their hands. So hearing "I love you" from me really truly means a lot! Remember that
Be yourself and don't let others put you down. You are loved no matter who you are. Show someone the love you feel. There is someone you spend time with who needs to know and experience love. Be the one who shows them love. Make a difference. Be who you want to be but most importantly, be a blessing for God. You are an amazing person and there is nothing you can do about it. Go! Now! The time has come to stand out from the crowd... Be the change you want to see in the world.
Life, Love, and the pursuit of Happiness
Have you ever had a time when you did something you regretted or did something you wished you could take back? Well I know I have and I know quite a few people who have. I wake up everyday thinking about how different my life would be right now if I hadn't done those things or made those choices. Since I know I can't change the past, I just have to be sure that I don't make the same bad decisions again in the future. For those of you reading this, you're probably wondering what I am talking about and you're probably wondering what I did that I regret doing or not doing. Well I will tell you. I know over the past few years I have made a lot of decisions that don't just effect me but they also effect those around me. It all started back on December 7, 2007. This date is significant to me because this is the day my very first boyfriend asked me out. See, I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen but once I reached sixteen, I really wasn't that interested I dating. I was ok with being single. Anyways, this guy was away for school in San Diego, so not only was it my first relationship BUT it was also long distance. We were over 3000 miles away. This guy was a good boyfriend at first but over the course of our five month relationship, he changed. He asked me to do things that I was uncomfortable doing. We ended our relationship on May 5, 2008. Just a few days before I graduated. My mom was not too happy with him because she figured the emotional stress would take a toll on my grades in school. It didn't but I guess a mother needs something to worry about. After graduation, I got a job at Subway where I met the guy I dated next. He asked me out in September and we dated until early February-another five month relationship. This guy was such a jerk! He would call me literally every three weeks. So that's how often we saw eachother. I was not very upset when our relationship ended because I knew it was for the best. I found another guy a few days after we broke up. You may think this was a rebound but it really wasn't. I liked this third guy a lot. He was different than the other two guys. He didn't ask me to do things that made me feel uncomfortable. He actually called me everyday. I thought life was good but God had a different plan. We only dated for two months... Shortly after breaking up with him, I found out that one of my good friends liked me and I liked him too. I had never noticed my feelings for him because I was always too busy to realize them. Well I had to make a big decision, I could date this guy or have a repeat with the first guy I dated. I am not sure I made the right decision but I decided to give my first boyfriend another chance. A year later, here I am not dating the guy anymore but instead trying to figure out what to do. I broke up with him in May of 2010 and he left to join the army in July of 2010. We still talk everyday but I know that my friends do not approve of use being together and neither does my family so we know our relationship will go nowhere. The other guy that I had to choose between him and my first boyfriend, we just recently stopped talking. I was making him mad because I wouldn't just date him. I told him I didn't want to get him involved in my life drama, so he walked out of my life. I probably won't hear from him again. To make matters worse, I also lost both of my best friends in the past year. They both walked out of my life for things I view as unimportant. So here I sit, alone without a boyfriend and without my best friends. I know my decisions have caused my best friends to walk out but I don't see why who I date should have an effect on our friendship. No matter the hurt and pain I have endured because of my losses, I know that everything happens for a reason. I will not give up and I will not look back with regret anymore. It's time to move forward and it's time to move on. Today, I am making the decision to not look back but instead make a change. Change my life for the better and make good decisions. I can NOT be defeated and I REFUSE to quit!
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