I have been fighting this depression that is doing it's best to take over my life. I wake up in the morning and do not want to get out of bed because my life feels so pointless. If I didn't have to go to work, I would lay in bed all day.
At the end of the day, I reflect on everything that I have been through and everything that has happened that day. I end up crying myself to sleep.
I am so lost and broken. I try to fight off this heartache and pain but I can't. I know that I cannot give up and I cannot be defeated so I keep holding on.
I wake up every morning and read my Bible hoping, just hoping that today will be different than yesterday. I want to have that true joy again that God has placed in my life but I can't seem to find it.
Even as I write this blog, I sit here crying because I know that no one will ever read this except for me. I know that no one will ever know the pain that is hiding behind this fake smile. I know that no one cares and no one can help...
I am so beyond hurt right now and everything people do just seems to dig deeper into my pain. I wonder if people knew what I was going through, would they be more careful around me? Would they try to help? Or would they just keep living they way they are living?
Christians are some of the more selfish people I have ever met. I say that because honestly it's true. What do they care what you are going through? What do they care about the pain hidden behind your fake smile? I am only able to say this because I am a Christian and I am not like the rest. I search out the hurting. I want people to find the hope that they once had but have now lost. I don't want to be one of those selfish Christians. I dare to be different.
It is so different being on the outside looking in. Would they notice if I left? Would they say something? Would they care? I am really to the point that I want to change churches. Going to church just causes more pain.
Please God, help me! I really need help through all of this... I do not know what to do or where to do. Please show me the way. Please make me different than all the other Christian's out there. Please let me see others through your eyes.
